‍Parenting teens is hard work; it’s not like parenting pre-schoolers that you could simply pick up no matter how much of a fit they threw. You can’t spank them, and talking to them sometimes turns into big-time drama or World War III. So, sometimes parents are just tempted to throw up their hands in despair and surrender, hoping against hope that their kids don’t get into serious trouble. Sadly, I’ve often heard the parents of successful teens, when they are being asked what they did to raise good kids, refer to themselves as merely lucky.

‍But while some inborn personalities (e.g., compliant ones) are “the luck of the genetic draw” and therefore easier to raise than others; raising godly teens really isn’t about luck. It is most importantly about not giving up or surrendering your role as a parent — including praying for God’s blessings of protection for them and strength for yourself. 

‍We all know what your kids say to their peers about their parents, and how they act when you’re around (rolling their eyes at every “uncool” thing you do) — we’ve all “been there and done that.” But did you know that in poll after poll after poll stretching back through decades, teens tell us that their parents are the most influential people in their lives? And this is especially true for fathers (please go to the Focus on the Family website and do a search for “The Vital Role of Fathering 1” — and listen). What this tells us is simply this, you can’t give up; you have to “stay in the game”!

‍“So, what am I supposed to do, when my kid is resisting my every attempt to parent him?” First, keep on keeping on. But secondly, one critically important thing to remember when it comes to parenting teenagers is that it takes a change in parenting style. When they were younger, you could essentially use your size on them in discipline situations. But as they begin to look the same size and weight as you, parenting and discipline approaches must change. The old “it’s my way because I’m the mommy or daddy” approach has to modify to become more like a mentoring and coaching role. Now that doesn’t preclude a stronger role, when necessary. You still are the one in authority; but you will want to choose those battles carefully. Mentors and coaches can still maintain authority while using reason, helping the teen to think things completely through, point out the dangers of believing that “it will never happen to me”, draw for them “hard lines” not to be crossed, support them in making hard choices, help them navigate unfamiliar emotions and real-world situations, provide a steady moral compass, and offer godly wisdom. 

‍But please notice that I didn’t say that your role becomes that of a “buddy”. There’s a big difference between being a mentor and coach and being a buddy. While it may be every parent’s dream to have such a relationship with their teen, it is an illusion; there couldn’t be a bigger mistake that parents could make than to try to become their children’s friend. It’s a little like socialism and communism: it sounds great in theory, but it’s terrible in actual practice. To be a friend you will have to make compromises you really don’t want to make, allow things that shouldn’t be allowed, wink at things that shouldn’t be winked at, and lose your position as an authority figure and your ability to protect them from life altering mistakes.

‍It certainly might be tempting to just throw up your hands in frustration when parenting teens — they are hard, — but don’t give up. Stay involved, stay connected, even when they don’t seem to want you there. Secretly, they’re glad you’re there because you care, and when they grow up they’ll tell you so.